Don’t Date Your Heros

I got placed in a blow off class, poetry. There were only eight people in the class. The professor was a little weird. Would anyone normal be excited to teach poetry. Anyway, it started small. I would go to her office hours for help on an assignment. She would place her hand on my thigh or wrist while she talked. She would stare at me while I worked on my in-class poems. She always singled me out when we had group discussions. Then things escalated. She invited me out to eat at an 18+ club downtown. They were having an open mic night. I naively thought the whole class would be going and quickly came to the realization that it was just the two of us when we sat down at a small table. We had a beautiful time at the club. It was nice having meaningful conversation with someone who saw me as the adult I was trying so hard to come off as. When we left, she gave me a quick kiss on the lips. This became our thing: we went out, we had fun, we kissed. Eventually the kissing changed. It turned into making out and then going to hotels after dinner. Sometimes, we would skip dinner altogether. It was becoming a problem. I would grow jealous when I saw her spending one on one time with other students. It’s not like we were exclusive, she had a husband and kid back home. A part of me just wanted her to myself, though. How could I not? The conversations were great, the sex was even better. It felt like a real relationship. It wasn’t, though. I couldn’t explain to my family or friends the sudden glow and happiness. We couldn’t hold hands in front of people. Eventually, her guilt caught up to her. She didn’t want to cheat on her husband anymore. It broke my heart but I knew it was better that we ended things before anyone found out. A part of me will always feel like everyone knew because deep down, I know I couldn’t have been the only one she’d done this with.

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Friendship Breakups Are Worse Than Relationship Breakups

My best friend and I decided to take a break from our relationship. I was fine with it until recently. She removed me from Snapchat and might have blocked my number. We were doing so fine with just not speaking, but now she’s made it even more real. It’s like she’s trying to remove me from her life permanently. When I told her how I felt and suggested we take a break, I certainly never meant for her to leave my life forever. I just wanted a little time away from her. Now I might never get her back into my life. She was always there for me. We had phone calls from eleven at night until four in the morning. When I was heartbroken, she was always there with Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of wine. She was always knew what to say to cheer me up. Now, I’m sitting here, torn into two because my best friend has taken the next step in removing me from her life and I have no one to talk to. I want desperately to go to her and work things out, but you can’t fight with someone who won’t get in the ring with you. So, I’ll tell you…WordPress Reader. I miss my best friend and I am sorry for everything that I said that would make her think I didn’t want her in my life anymore. Losing a friend is worse than losing a spouse because the connection was different…deeper in a way. No matter what happens, my best friend is still my best friend, even if I’m not her’s. She’ll always be a huge part of my life and she has a part of my heart and brain that will always be her’s, these spots will stay open for when she decides she’s ready to come back. It may take some time because she’s as stubborn as bull but she will…I just know it. I know she still loves me and cares about me like I care about her because we’re best friends…we always will be.

The Best of Friends Need to Stop Being Friends

Everyone needs at least one (human) best friend. Someone they can count on no matter what. I have one and she is amazing. The thing with having a best friend, though, is you are going to want to spend a lot of time with them and that’s great…for a while. Eventually, all of their cute little quirks become annoying habits. Your inside jokes turn into arguments. Instead of wanting to share a bottle of wine with them, you want to knock them over the head with the bottle. I spent entirely too much time with my best friend for a few months and it was great at first. Pretty soon, I started to get annoyed with her voice, laugh, and being in her presence in general. I will never tell her that because it isn’t necessarily her fault. I purposely make a lot of plans so when she asks to hang out, I will have the perfect excuse not to (I’m horrible at trying to make up an excuse). I’ve begun hanging out with my other friends and focusing on the other things that I have going on. We still hang out from time to time, but not nearly as frequently as we once did. Hopefully, one day, we will find a healthy middle ground. There is nothing wrong with needing space from someone. It doesn’t mean you hate them or love them any less. Too much of a good thing makes it a bad thing. I don’t want to sour our friendship by absorbing too much of it. I love her with all my heart which is why I need to be away from her for a little while.

The Night w/ My Best Friend

I fell in love with my best friend. She’s beautiful, smart, hilarious, fun to be around, and gives the most amazing hugs. Too bad she doesn’t like girls…or so she claimed. There was a guy that sparked her interest. He didn’t even realize how lucky he was to have her attention. She stays in a traditional dorm, so she shares a room with a girl we went to high school with. I stay in an apartment-styled dorm. One night, the guy she liked broke her heart, he was using her to make his ex jealous. Her roommate had her boyfriend over and she didn’t want to walk in on them. Her home was only forty five minutes away but she lost her key and no one was home to let her in, so she called me. She asked if she could spend the night in my dorm because she didn’t want to be alone. She was my best friend and I wanted to do everything I could to make her feel better. I let her take a bubble bath and I had a bottle of wine stashed away in my drawer. After we, mostly her, finished the bottle, I went to take a shower. When I got out, she was in my bed. I crawled in beside her and she turned to me. We talked for a good hour about what had happened to her. I’d told her how I felt a few months ago but I was sure by then she’d forget about it or thought I’d moved on. . . I’d hadn’t. I held her and she kissed me. In the back of my mind I wanted her to stop because I knew she was only doing this because she was heartbroken and intoxicated. I couldn’t stop, though. This is what’d I’d been waiting for. That night, we showed each other true intimacy. I’d never felt so much passion. The next morning was tragic. She didn’t mention anything about last night or why we both were disordered. I was too afraid to bring it up. She thanked me for taking care of her that night. One day, we’ll talk about what happened that night. One day, I’ll probably move on from her. One day, we might try our hand at a relationship. On this day, though, I do know that I’m in love with my best friend and we shared an amazing evening together. Whether she ever loved me the way I loved her wouldn’t change what we’ve been through together. She’ll always have this special place in my heart and have a hold over me no matter how hard I try to move on from her.

I Hate My HBCU

I know what you’re thinking…I’m black so I’m supposed to love my HBCU because of the history and culture behind it. Believe me when I say I am in love with my history and culture. I’m damn near a Civil Rights Movement historian and no one supports the “Black Lives Matter” movement more than me. That doesn’t mean I need to love my HBCU… right?? Let me start off by saying that I wasn’t raised around a lot of black people. I lived in the suburbs and went to mostly white private and public school between elementary and high school. When we would go out of state to visit my mom’s side of the family, I felt so out of place because I “acted white” whatever that means. I speak proper English and avoid slang at all costs. When I got to my HBCU, I felt out of place there, too. There were people who looked just like me, that’s what makes a lot of people feel comfortable. I felt nervous and queasy. A lot of the students were there to party, a lot of the professors weren’t good at explaining things, Financial Aid and other staff weren’t there to help you, they were simply there to collect a check. The atmosphere was ghetto, the people were ghetto. I got through my first semester alright because I thought this was how it was supposed to be. Then, I went to visit my best friend at her college. This college is where a good amount of my friends from back home went. It was PWI and I fell in love with it from the moment I drove on the campus. The people and the environment were so friendly. I felt comfortable and at home. Just because I am black doesn’t mean I need to go to an HBCU. It also doesn’t mean I’m a “sellout” or an “Uncle Tom” for deciding to transfer to a PWI. I know what makes me happy and being at an HBCU made me miserable and depressed. I will always support HBCUs, though. For my own mental health, though, I need to be around what I know and am comfortable with. I love my culture, but I love myself a little bit more.

I Kissed A Girl…And I Liked It

New Years Eve, a time of drunken fun and celebration. It is also a time that many people stress over whether or not they have someone to kiss. This was honestly my first time going out on New Years. I went out with my best friend. We went downtown and crashed a party, unfortunately, someone with a gun crashed that party, too. It wasn’t even midnight by the time we made it back to her car. We were pretty shaken up so we went back to my house and sat in the driveway for a few minutes until midnight. When the clock in her car showed 11:59, she took out her chapstick and began applying it. At 12:00 she leaned over the console and kissed me. I expected it to be a quick peck on the lips but it was full on passionate kiss. She slightly bit my lower lip. I had my hand on her lower back. She tasted like her cherry lip gloss. I couldn’t help but smile when our lips parted. Even though she was the one that kissed me, I hoped it wouldn’t make our friendship weird. It didn’t seem to change our relationship because she never brought it up and I was afraid to. She kept going on talking about the guys she likes and I begin to get envious. So, on New Years I realized…I’m beginning to fall for my best friend.

My First College Heartbreak

I started college less than a month ago. Before I started college, though, I took English Composition 1 and 2 online over the summer. When I began college, I was in Advanced Composition with upperclassmen. It was nice being around mature people. On that first day, I forgot my pencil pouch in my dorm, so I asked to borrow one from the guy sitting in front of me. He seemed like a cool guy. He wore designer clothes (Polo, Jordan’s, and fancy suits on business Tuesdays).  After class one day, I asked for his Snapchat and thus, a complicated relationship formed. We hung out a few times, watched movies…he always made me laugh when he sung along to the soundtrack of movies. We did have sexual relations and of course, I was the one who ended up becoming attached. Giving your body to someone has a way of messing with your head. I would have done anything for him but he claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. Apparently, he didn’t have a lot of luck with relationships in his past and didn’t want that to happen to us…he didn’t want for me to hate him. Too bad I already kind of did. I loved him at the same time, though. I wanted nothing more than to be around him and laughing with him. After we had the talk about his unpreparedness for a relationship, he began to ignore me. I didn’t get any calls, or texts, I didn’t even get a “Hi” when I walked by him to sit behind him in class. Sure, I could text him or approach him first, but how desperate does that make me look? I know I should wait for someone who will appreciate me at great lengths and actually take me time getting to know them and want they want from our relationship before I give myself to them, but I didn’t do that with him…now I am stuck on him like white on rice. I think about him constantly and he clearly isn’t giving me a second thought. I’m most likely going to meet another guy who is worthy of me and will want to marry me but right now, I couldn’t even fathom giving my heart to anyone else except for him. He has my heart and mind and I think he knows it, he just doesn’t care to have it. Only time will tell how we end up and who I’ll ultimately end up with. It’s excited and scary. Deep down I know that no other guy will take the place in my heart that he has because he was my first love and my first heartbreak…that’s something that he will always be.